love!!!
Taken at Apple Store
so, it seems that despite everything that i have tried, i only appear to have the capacity to be nice to a finite number of people a day. and due to the fact that the customer survey's i've been getting are so bad that i am at risk of losing my job, i have had to really turn on the sunshine when dealing with customers. this, unfortunately, leaves me completely depleted when dealing with my co-workers, and, it has been pointed out to me that i have indeed been a bitch.
i don't know what to do. i am barely holding on by a thread. if anyone at work really knew how close i am to throwing myself in front of a rapidly moving train (or off a building - and yes, i have already picked said building, or driving my car off some high cliff, or jumping off one of the bridges), they would be alarmed and terrified. but i'm really really really fucking good at putting on the show. it's not a great show, and sometimes i'm better at it than others, but i manage to crack jokes and laugh and be a sarcastic ass hole for most of the time. i'm doling out the hugs like they were smarties at halloween, i'm trying as hard as fucking can. but the snide sneaks out more often than not. the mean leaks out when i don't want it to and seemingly have no control over it.
one of my co-workers told me, "yeah, i pretty much stay away from you when we're at the (genius) bar"
lovely.
although, this is the same person who told me that we weren't really friends, we were just "work friends" so i'm not really sure how i should take that.
what this person has no clue about was that he was pretty much the only friend i had, but since he doesn't really consider me a friend, i just pulled away and stopped really trying.
and i am desperate for human contact or kindness or whatever. so i just glom on to anyone who will tolerate me. even people at work (on my team) who i don't particularly like. i'm a total phony. it sucks. but i'm desperate not to lose my job, and i'm desperate for connection, and i'm just plain desperate.
it's pathetic.
i'm pathetic.
but i guess it's only a matter of time before none of it matters anymore.
i'm feeling completely uselss and like nobody likes me.
of course, they are not new feelings, they are just more accute right now. everything i do feels wrong. spending the holiday alone was excruciating. but i expected that. it feels like people are merely tolerating me, but that they really don't like me and would prefer that i would go away. even my skin feels wrong.
i don't fit in this world. i don't know how to make myself fit. i don't know if i even want to fit.
